Grief during the Holiday Season

Friends,

As we enter the holiday season, there are traditions most of us participate in around this time of year. Traditions like gathering with family, sharing meals and laughter, and taking time off from jobs to focus on loved ones and, in a sense, these things signify promises we've made to each other in life. An unspoken promise to love and be there for one another no matter what.

In "Time To Fly," I briefly talk about the promises I made to my former husband, Brian. I pledged to do my best in life, to continually learn, engage in work I'm passionate about, to raise our children with care, and to never ever give up. Many of you have made similar promises to those you love - but what happens to those promises if our loved ones leave us in this life?

In the same chapter, I write:

"Those of us granted the gift of living have work to do, adventures to take, light to share. Are the promises made to a sister, brother, mother, father, spouse, friend, or child broken when the amazingly complex body that houses the spirit ceases to function and be? I think it is up to us to choose."

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After Brian died, I retreated in my house with my family surrounding me for a while, as I was in some of the deepest parts of my grief. It took everything in me to get out of a horizontal state, but when I found enough strength to leave my couch, I was able to make my way to the shower. Under the flowing water, vulnerability set in—I allowed myself to cry and just be. I felt nothing but the trickling warmth of the water, and I let myself feel EVERYTHING.

In that moment, I acknowledged that I had made promises to Brian, and in life or death, those promises would be kept. I would carry on his legacy despite his physical absence. But I was scared.

“Oh my god, I can’t do this alone. I’m not strong enough to do this by myself.”

But then I swear I heard Brian say something like:

“That one was a little pathetic.”

It wasn’t his voice, but I knew it was him. And he was right.

"You’re right. It's pathetic that I think I can't do this. I can and I will. But still, it sucks that you're gone."

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For those of you who are facing the holidays in the absence of someone you love, I know that this time of year can be painful. Watching those around you with loved ones still with them or even being surrounded by endless amounts of "cheer"... it can get hard. Yet, I encourage you to find that “warm place” where you can be truly vulnerable and remember the promises you made to your loved ones while they were alive. And it is from that place that I hope you can find comfort and peace in recommitting yourself to those promises and carrying their legacies on

In the same breath, I'm also here to say that I know firsthand that it can still suck that they are gone. Give yourself permission to retreat to that "warm space" of yours, allow yourself to be vulnerable with your emotions, and simply, without holding back, just miss them.

I sincerely hope these words give you any sort of encouragement, and I pray that you give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to in this season.

You are not alone.